Wordless Wednesday

A Venice Sunset.
Taken December 2004

7 Steps to a Better You

Seven Random Facts about me.

1) Whenever I travel by air I take the opportunity to have a little fun with my identity. Since I generally travel alone I have no problem creating an entirely new person to share with the person seated next to me. Basically, I lie. The first time I did this I was on a flight from Reagan National to Ft. Myers, Florida. I convinced the woman in 13-B that I was a new writer for the Washington Post off to Florida to capture my first "big story." Of course, I couldn't tell her what it was...

2) I find eye liner to be incredibly sexy.

3) I enjoy musicals. That, of itself, may not surprise you. However, I am easily addicted to musicals. I will listen to a musical's soundtrack for months after I see the show....constantly. Recently I had to stop listening to the soundtrack of "Bare." I felt it was tearing me down emotionally.

4) In line with fact number three, I often wish I had an orchestra following me around. That way I could break out into the appropriate song whenever I feel the need. Just today I had the desire to sing "Bloody Mary" from South Pacific.

5) I have always said that I have no regrets, and I still believe that to be true. But if I could go back to the end of high school there is one thing that I would do differently. I would join the US Military. I talked to recruiters in high school, but I never followed through with it. My first job interview after college was for a position within the USMC, but I didn't get it. Weeks after my 24th birthday I sat with a recruiter. We had it all worked out. That night his office burned to the ground. There was no record that I was even there. Maybe it was a sign...

6) Walt Disney World played a major part in my childhood, and not just because I grew-up in Orlando. WDW had its hand in the demise of my family. Its sad really. The happiest place on earth? Ha!

7) My detestation of feet has a back story. Its just a way to protect myself from disappointment. I've always said, "I hate feet." That is not entirely true. In fact, I love feet....pretty, beautiful, and attractive feet. The problem is this: 97.4% of people do not have attractive feet at all. I think its weird, but I find nothing more attractive that well manicured hands and attractive feet. But the chances that you fall in the 2.6% population with attractive feet . . . well . . . don't ask me to judge. I hate disappointment. :)

The Peaceful Warrior

For as long as I can remember, my bedroom in every house I’ve lived in as been arranged in very much the same manner. The placement of my bed chiefly has always been the same: in a corner.

Along my headboard and along the side of the bed against the wall I keep a large number of pillows. I always have, even in college. I sleep on top of a feather mattress, beneath one sheet and a feather comforter. The color; white. My bed is the most comfortable place I have ever been. Ever.

I sleep with my head resting atop two feather pillows. I start out on my left side with a pillow between my legs, a pillow in my arms, and a pillow behind my back. I tuck myself in so tightly in that I cannot move. I close my eyes and pretend. I pretend that the pillows around me are the arms, legs, and chest of someone...anyone. Behind these eyes, and in these pillows, I find the comfort to fall to sleep each night. In all truthfulness, I love to hold and to be held.

I often find that I am trying to will myself into a certain dreaming scenario. I will picture a person, think of an event, or try to recall circumstances that I wish to return to in my dreams. After all, it was Carl Sandburg who said, “Nothing happens unless first we dream.”

My new dream? To become a Warrior.

Letter of Reclamation

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dear [father],

I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.

Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am 26 years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me?

You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The love of a father.

The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. Again, I never considered them an issue. But they are. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.

I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. The pain is new...and very real. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.

This is just the beginning,

Your [son]

Why do you ask?

Is it because I’m articulate?

Is it because I have a music degree?

Is it because I take a glass of Chianti over a beer?

Is it because I’m slightly vain when I want to be?

Perhaps it is because I enjoy the theater?

Or maybe because I’m a young single guy.

Do you ask because you want to know?

Or is it actually a tinge of jealousy?

Wordless Wednesday

Free time + a Camera + antlers = ____________

Dirty Laundry

As several of my blogger buddies have done, I am taking this opportunity to air some dirty laundry. Each point is referring to one person. Some are positive while others are not-so-positive. Some people on the list are followers of this blog, but I think it is safe to say that most are not. Enjoy.

1. Forever & Always. I think we’ve reached that point. You’re stuck with me.

2. As soon as I think I’m over you, you come back into my life. This is not healthy for me. I still get nervous every time I get a message from you. I wish I understood.

3. I have pulled you off the ledge several times. But this time I’m not there to pull you back. I’m not sure I can talk you down…be careful, love.

4. I was right about you this whole time. But I’m not going to hold your past against you. I am enjoying getting to know you.

5. You are a mess, but I think that’s what I like about you.

6. I’m not being fair to you. I’ve told you this. It doesn’t seem to matter to you. I adore this new thing we have…but please be patient with me.

7. Was I your savior, or just a phase?

8. I stood up for you. I did it much longer than I should have. I don’t care what you did. Honestly. Just don’t lie to me. Ok?

9. The last time I saw you was a milestone day in your life. You have no idea how honored I was to be there. I love you.

10. I’m looking forward to getting to know you too.

11. You are incredible. The spectrum you bring to the table amazes me. ;)

12. Stop apologizing.

13. While I need to forget you, I know I never will. I’ve got your back.

14. Don’t do anything stupid. Despite the legend, Arthur needed Lancelot.

15. You are very mysterious. I love mysteries.

16. You did what you needed to do. I’m ok with that. Trust me. Please.

17. I’d like to know what you think of me. I’m curious to know what others have told you about me. I’m a pretty darn nice guy. And you know what? I’m worth it. So put aside what you’ve been told and give me a call. But not tonight, I have a headache.

18. You have stalked me for years. You’re not very good at this whole stalking thing… But this time you crossed a line. You tricked a friend of mine. What are you going to do with this new found gossip? Go ahead…nobody will believe you. You fool.

19. Yes. I talked about you behind your back. But no more than you talked about me. The one thing we should have done was talked with each other. Oddly, our friendship allowed each of us to overlook the knife wounds. Right now, the distance is the best part of our friendship. You and I had a lot of great times mixed in with a little drama…I loved every minute of it. Thanks.

20. You and I are so much alike it scares me. No, really. I am frightened at the thoughts. I believe that you have answers that I need. The next time I see you, I am expecting a breakthrough. You make me jealous. You seem so in control. How do you do it? I hope you’re ready for the tough questions.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

One of the things I look forward to every year is the day that I can break out my Holiday music and listen to it non-stop. I have rules about this: I DO NOT listen to holiday music until AFTER Thanksgiving and I stop listening to holiday music on Ephinany. In college I wouldn’t even take my very impressive collection of holiday music to school. It would wait in my room until my drive back to school after Thanksgiving. I would lay out the CDs in the passenger seat and sing along for the entire 9 hour trip back to Emory.

Things got more complicated with the coming of the iPod generation. I added all of my music. When I got to the holiday CDs it took great restraint to not add them. I didn’t. I still follow my rule. But now I don’t have two-dozen CDs to deal with….the best holiday music is all at my fingertip.

While I love the entire genre of Holiday music, I have a few songs that are my absolute favorite. This year I bought an album for one song, Christmas in Indiana. It is wonderful. It is performed by the a capella group “Straight No Chaser.” (for the record, a capella should always be two words, never hyphenated.) Straight No Chaser is an amazing group from Indiana University. I have been a fan of them for years, but this is their first Christmas album. I highly recommend it. The highlight of the album is their rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Enjoy the video below. My favorite singers are the Jew and the black guy. Haha. You’ll see.

Another amazing arrangement of that song is “A Musicological Journey Through the Twelve Days of Christmas.” However I have not been able to find a decent recording. There is one on iTunes but it is men’s chorus and piano. It needs an orchestra.

Do you have a favorite Christmas song?

Straight No Chaser

Wordless Wednesday

From the Vault

In order to increase the frequency of my posts, I have decided to occasionally add something from the vault. The following takes place in Emory, Virginia and was originally posted in March of 2004. Enjoy.

*********************

Let me give an update on my car. She is doing just fine. The procedure didn’t take as long as expected and I think I will see a full recovery immediately. Let me tell you the story:

I had to call a tow truck to take my car to CarQuest in Glade. They two guys showed up in a bright red truck. Painted on the side was the name they had given to the truck: The Happy Hooker. I laughed. These were two good ol’ boys. The brighter of the two, Joe, asked me what was wrong with my car. I told him that my starter had gone out and the guys at CarQuest were going to take care of it on Monday. Joe thought for a second and looked over at Clyde and said, “Hey, Clyde, do we got us a starter for this here car?”

“Not sure,” Clyde said, “Hey, boy, what size motor you got up in here.” I told him but I guess he didn’t believe me since he requested that I pop the hood to show him. “Yup,” Grunted Clyde, “we sures do got one for this size.”

Joe turned to me and said, “You know CarQuest is gonna take a while to get ‘er back to ya, right? (Spits tobacco on street) Why don’ you let me and Clyde here fix up your car for you. We can get it back up and ready for ya in no time. Ain’t that right Clyde?”

“Reckon,” said Clyde as he attached the last of the chains to my car. I asked Joe how much this was going to be. “Well,” he said scratching his head, “that’s $30 for the tow, and whatever the starter is gonna cost. We’ll getcha a new one from Whistle down thar at his place.”

Being the trusting individual that I am I allowed the Happy Hookers to take my car to their place to fix it. I called late in the afternoon to check up on it and Joe told me he had finished it. I went to go pick up my car only to find that Joe and Clyde owe the junkyard in Glade. There are cars everywhere. The mountain behind their place is full of every and anything one could imagine that once rolled on the streets. There were about 14 mobile homes dotting the hillside. One of them was the office. The only mobile home with lights on had one wall missing and a NO TRESSPASSING sign posted on the side. Backed up to the hole in the wall was a flatbed truck with four big screen televisions that appeared to be in semi working condition. I walked towards the place jingling my keys and holding up my checkbook. I didn’t figure they would shoot a paying costumers. Out of nowhere this little 5 or 6-year-old boy runs up to me. He had four cookies in his hands and was covered in chocolate/dirt. He offered me a cookie but I noticed that the cream had already been licked from all of them. I told him that I should not spoil my dinner.

Joe came around the corner about half surprised to see me. I asked how much it would be and he said, “She came to $30.” Surprised by his low figure and asked again to make sure I had heard him right. Indeed I did. He told me to “go on up into the house and she’ll write up a bill for ya.” This is where I expected the posse to jump me a take me out back to kill me good. Joe’s wife was sitting at the table in their bedroom/kitchen writing a bill for me. I set my checkbook down on the table to write the check and I noticed that my hand was stuck to the table. In fact, my entire checkbook was stuck. After I tore the check out the book came free with a good-sized tug.

Since then I have started my car a few times and found no problem to be had. Let’s hope this holds for a bit.

Like Sands through the Hour Glass…

Yesterday I learned of some news that I am still not sure how to take. It is shocking. I didn’t want to believe it. Here is what I learned: Dr. Marlena Evans and John Black are at the clutches of death! I spent most of the afternoon is a fog…mindlessly doing my job while I was being flooded with emotions and flashbacks.

You see, “Days of Our Lives” has been a major part of my life. There's no soap like "Days of Our Lives," which has won many fans with its terrifically twisted tales of mistaken identity, brainwashing, and spouse swapping. Set in the Midwestern town of Salem, "Days" features badass supercouples who fight for their right to be together, against all odds. John and Marlena, Bo and Hope, Patch and Kayla, and Lucas and Sami are just a few of the couples that I have grown to love over the years. They're all closely related, and they all battle bravely against the seeming immortal Stefano DiMera, the chilling yet charming bad guy whose evil infects every part of Salem life. While Stefano sees everyone as mere pawns in his personal chess game, the people of Salem refuse to be played -- and they give back as good as they get.

It has been obvious for the last decade that this particular genre of daytime television has been hurting for ratings. The news that top billed actors Deidre Hall (Marlena) and Drake Hogestyn (John) have been let go from "Days of our Lives” was only the beginning. Top brass at NBC have reduced the shows contract from 60 months to 18 months! With ratings low and budgets tight the network is trying to stay afloat. (In my opinion, the government needs to bail out NBC – screw GM).

One of the earliest memories of my childhood involves “Days.” I can remember sitting in my high chair eating lunch, my mom was ironing and we were watching the remarriage of Roman and Marlena. This, or course, was just before the disappearance of Marlena. She was presumed dead in a plan explosion set-up by the evil Stefano.

And who could forget the houseboat explosion…and the disappearance of Hope. When I became actively involved in the storyline (as a teenager), Bo had given up on the search for Hope and was in a relationship with co-worker Billie. Then…out of nowhere…a woman returns to Salem who looks strikingly similar to Hope. But her name, one of the few things she can remember, is Princess Gina.

With the return of Hope, the reinstatement of the Bo and Hope relationship, the Days cast gained some new faces as it tried to appeal to a younger demographic. The Salem teenagers emerged from the couples (or any mix there of) of established Salem. The now angst-based storylines would center on Shawn and Belle. They were amazing. Just past the romantic stories of Shawn and Belle, hidden in the shadows of darkness was an emerging love triangle: Brady and Philip's rivalry over Chloe.

But Shawn and Belle weren’t as storybook as we all hoped. While on a summer trip to The Island to search for Alice’s ruby, Shawn became unwillingly involved with Jan after he witnessed her abusive relationship with an older man. Jan, having turned crazy, would then later kidnap Shawn in hope to force him into a physical relationship. This was homage to Marlena's many visits to the prison cages of Stefano and further paralleled Shawn and Belle with John and Marlena.

I could go on forever. In addition to these relationships there were the other, more twisted storylines that I loved.

The Gemini Twins

The return of Tony DiMera

The many deaths of Stefano

The Salem Stalker

The Jennifer, Jack and Peter love triangle

Carrie and Austin and Sami and Lucas

Kristen, Susan and Marlena

Marlena’s possession (which brought higher ratings that the OJ trial!)

Sami on Death Row (for the murder of Franco)

The Sami, Carrie, Lucas, Austin, and EJ love triangle

Just for the record, 36 characters have been brought back from the dead. Some more than once.

As the holiday season approaches I always look forward to the reunions and truces that calm even the most convoluted of storylines. My favorite “Days” moment is when Alice hangs Tom’s ornament on the Horton family Christmas tree. It happens every year. And every year I cry.

It is Tom’s narration at the beginning of every show that best captures these final episodes. They are numbered…so are the days of our lives.

Wordless Wednesday

Where Winter Meets Fall

Bare

Do you remember the day that you met me?
I swear it was yesterday...
I knew with a glance that you were the question
And you were the answer
That the world would make sense again
If I held your hand

Someday you'll look back and I hope you'll remember
The moment of truth when I knew who I was.
How did I learn the truth you gave to me?

I will always remember the first stolen moment
There you were kissing me and time seemed to freeze
Now I stand at a crossroad
And I stare at a question
If prayer were the answer I'd fall on my knees
But forward is calling and I cannot stay here
A Parting of Souls as I try to move on
How do I forget the dream you shared with me?

I've never been this bare / I've never been so scared
I've never felt such honesty / Don't stop we'll never leave
A moment of such peace / Each of us standing bare
Still you are here with me / Knowing who we have to be
Know as you hold my hand / I hoped and prayed
We're forever you and I / That you'd understand

Wordless Wednesday

The Bravery of Youth

I don’t do it too often, but I’m never afraid to talk about religion. In fact, sometimes I strike up a religion centered conversation to break the stereotyped youth pastor persona that is sometimes forced upon me. I was not your typical youth pastor. I hated the title ‘pastor,’ and I would correct people in the fact that I was not a pastor but rather a leader or mentor. My youth leader days are behind me. It was a job. I am now attending the church that I want to attend and I enjoy it very much.

Monday night I was talking with a high school student when the topic of religion came up. I made some assumptions and asked him if he was Catholic. In a very pointed answer he told me that he was currently an agnostic. An agnostic is one who denies that God’s existence is provable. It is important to note that an agnostic is not an atheist. In the case of this young man I believe he is using the term agnostic to indicate that he is currently not participating in any sort of organized religion.

Now, some would view this as a moment to convert convert convert! But this young man is obviously taking a step back to ask questions. Good for him! I continued to lightly pick his brain to see where he was coming from. I didn’t do much talking…he gave me specific reasons for his break from religion. He has had events happen in his life that have left him with some very tough and still unanswered questions. I didn’t have the answers. But I was encouraged to know that he hasn’t given up on God. He is still searching for his answers. This is not a case of denial. This is a case of discovery.

The conversation was cut short, but it was left with a tone of understanding. I am at a time in my life when I am asking questions that I never thought I would be asking of myself and of God. I have no doubt that this student will find what he is looking for. It was encouraging. The bravery of youth is encouraging.

In the Dark

When I was a kid, like many of you, I was terrified of the dark. Not because I was afraid of a nocturnal monster, but because I was afraid of the uncertainty darkness cast on my comfortable surroundings. At night, for all I knew, the things hiding in the dark were infinitely more terrifying than any frightful creature I imagine.

As we drag, kick, and scream our way through life—as we dance, laugh, and kiss our way through life—we cannot possibly anticipate what greatness, what sadness, is hiding in the shadows of our future. And what's both more chilling and comforting is that what has happened in our past will have always have happened in our past—the permanently exposed.

In the dark, I've faced somatic and emotional torment beyond my wildest imagination. In the dark, I've stumbled in search of courage and hope. In the dark, I've wondered aimlessly into victory and happiness.

It's what life is all about, really. What's lurking in the shadows. Sure, many of us prefer recess during the day to discover happiness and ponder our place. But on a playground in the middle of the day, we see everything. Every slide, every jungle gym, every picnic table—it's all in plain sight. On this playground, we do what we wish because we know what we wish; we see our next step.

But at night, when the swings are desolate and even the moon has settled; when the streetlamps have retired; when the stage is cast in darkness—this is where we can only assume what will come.

After Midnight
As so many grandmothers do, mine reminded me that "nothing good happens after midnight." And how true she was. Nothing good could possibly happen after midnight because "good" is a description of mediocrity. Midnight is the icon of darkness; it does not know mediocrity. Greatness? Yes. Horrific tribulation? Perhaps.

In the dark, we drive more carefully, our guard is higher, our senses more alert, our mind more focused. That's the way things are, not because we love the dark but because, inevitably, we must endure the dark.

The greatest darkness is the future. What will happen tomorrow, next week, next year, in an hour? It's the kind of darkness that we should keep top-of-mind to make the most out of. In the light—the present—we must make most of what we have to best prepare for the darkness ahead.

No one will ever see into darkness, but if we play our cards right, when the sun finally shines, we will embrace whatever peril, whatever fortune, comes our way. Faith will guide. And if it is the case that we stump our toe along the way, we will learn where next to walk; if we do not, we run the risk of falling into a different kind of darkness.


Andrew

Support Your Local Sheriff

I’m not going to tell you that I’m not disappointed. I’m not going to tell you that I am excited. I’m not going to tell you that I’m not slightly worried. But what I am going to tell you is this…I am a Republican and I will support our new national leadership. Why? Mostly do to the words of I Peter 2:13-14. But also because right now we need to come together as a nation, forget the past, prepare for the future, and make the best of this new momentum in Washington. (Just for the record, I would have said that if McCain had won).

To my fellow Republicans, it is very important that we congratulate our Democrat friends in their victory. They elected their candidate with vigor and passion on a scale never before seen. With an unbalanced House and Senate we can expect to see some real Change. The promises of Americans are in the hands of a potentially capable man and we should be patient and understanding of his message.

Now that election night is over we are no longer Red or Blue. We are no longer bitter gun owning voters. We are no longer the misinformed youth. We are no longer white conservative union members. We are no longer black Catholics, or white Catholics. We are no longer Liberals for McCain. We are no longer hockey moms, feminists, war hawks, log cabin members, yellow-dogs, liberal whackos, conservative Christians, coal miners, Joe anythings, displaced Latinos, confused Jewish Americans, liberal secularists, or a member of the countless other election demographic sub-groups.

We are Americans and it is time for us to strive for Unity through Diversity. I am reminded of my favorite James Garner film and I urge you to “Support Your Local Sheriff.”

So I have this neighbor...

So I have this neighbor. She is crazy. I know what you’re thinking, “Andy, I have a crazy neighbor too.” You may, but my neighbor is crazier than your neighbor. Let’s call her ‘Judy.’ Here is the latest of her antics:

I keep all of my recycling bins outside under my carport. One of them is full of magazines that I take to the 4-H paper drive once a month. I’ve noticed that some of the magazines I put in the bin are no longer in the bin when I’m ready to take them to the paper drive. Where ever could they be going? One day when I came home from lunch I caught Judy going through my magazines. She fumbled around for what to say before telling me that she takes them up to the Senior Citizens’ Center. I’m all about such donations, but I’m not sure that the senior citizens have much use for the magazines that Judy is apparently taking to them. Here is the short list:

Men’s Vogue

Gentleman’s Quarterly

Wine Spectator

Men’s Health

American Photo

Cigar Aficionado

A few nights ago Judy came over just to chat. She mentioned that she took this month’s crop of magazines already, and without missing a beat she said, “So you really don’t have a girlfriend, do you?”

wtf.

I seriously doubt that she is taking them to the senior citizens. I don’t care what she does with them, I just don’t appreciate her presumptuous question.