Wordless Wednesday

A Venice Sunset.
Taken December 2004

7 Steps to a Better You

Seven Random Facts about me.

1) Whenever I travel by air I take the opportunity to have a little fun with my identity. Since I generally travel alone I have no problem creating an entirely new person to share with the person seated next to me. Basically, I lie. The first time I did this I was on a flight from Reagan National to Ft. Myers, Florida. I convinced the woman in 13-B that I was a new writer for the Washington Post off to Florida to capture my first "big story." Of course, I couldn't tell her what it was...

2) I find eye liner to be incredibly sexy.

3) I enjoy musicals. That, of itself, may not surprise you. However, I am easily addicted to musicals. I will listen to a musical's soundtrack for months after I see the show....constantly. Recently I had to stop listening to the soundtrack of "Bare." I felt it was tearing me down emotionally.

4) In line with fact number three, I often wish I had an orchestra following me around. That way I could break out into the appropriate song whenever I feel the need. Just today I had the desire to sing "Bloody Mary" from South Pacific.

5) I have always said that I have no regrets, and I still believe that to be true. But if I could go back to the end of high school there is one thing that I would do differently. I would join the US Military. I talked to recruiters in high school, but I never followed through with it. My first job interview after college was for a position within the USMC, but I didn't get it. Weeks after my 24th birthday I sat with a recruiter. We had it all worked out. That night his office burned to the ground. There was no record that I was even there. Maybe it was a sign...

6) Walt Disney World played a major part in my childhood, and not just because I grew-up in Orlando. WDW had its hand in the demise of my family. Its sad really. The happiest place on earth? Ha!

7) My detestation of feet has a back story. Its just a way to protect myself from disappointment. I've always said, "I hate feet." That is not entirely true. In fact, I love feet....pretty, beautiful, and attractive feet. The problem is this: 97.4% of people do not have attractive feet at all. I think its weird, but I find nothing more attractive that well manicured hands and attractive feet. But the chances that you fall in the 2.6% population with attractive feet . . . well . . . don't ask me to judge. I hate disappointment. :)

The Peaceful Warrior

For as long as I can remember, my bedroom in every house I’ve lived in as been arranged in very much the same manner. The placement of my bed chiefly has always been the same: in a corner.

Along my headboard and along the side of the bed against the wall I keep a large number of pillows. I always have, even in college. I sleep on top of a feather mattress, beneath one sheet and a feather comforter. The color; white. My bed is the most comfortable place I have ever been. Ever.

I sleep with my head resting atop two feather pillows. I start out on my left side with a pillow between my legs, a pillow in my arms, and a pillow behind my back. I tuck myself in so tightly in that I cannot move. I close my eyes and pretend. I pretend that the pillows around me are the arms, legs, and chest of someone...anyone. Behind these eyes, and in these pillows, I find the comfort to fall to sleep each night. In all truthfulness, I love to hold and to be held.

I often find that I am trying to will myself into a certain dreaming scenario. I will picture a person, think of an event, or try to recall circumstances that I wish to return to in my dreams. After all, it was Carl Sandburg who said, “Nothing happens unless first we dream.”

My new dream? To become a Warrior.

Letter of Reclamation

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dear [father],

I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.

Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am 26 years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me?

You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The love of a father.

The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. Again, I never considered them an issue. But they are. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.

I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. The pain is new...and very real. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.

This is just the beginning,

Your [son]

Why do you ask?

Is it because I’m articulate?

Is it because I have a music degree?

Is it because I take a glass of Chianti over a beer?

Is it because I’m slightly vain when I want to be?

Perhaps it is because I enjoy the theater?

Or maybe because I’m a young single guy.

Do you ask because you want to know?

Or is it actually a tinge of jealousy?

Wordless Wednesday

Free time + a Camera + antlers = ____________

Dirty Laundry

As several of my blogger buddies have done, I am taking this opportunity to air some dirty laundry. Each point is referring to one person. Some are positive while others are not-so-positive. Some people on the list are followers of this blog, but I think it is safe to say that most are not. Enjoy.

1. Forever & Always. I think we’ve reached that point. You’re stuck with me.

2. As soon as I think I’m over you, you come back into my life. This is not healthy for me. I still get nervous every time I get a message from you. I wish I understood.

3. I have pulled you off the ledge several times. But this time I’m not there to pull you back. I’m not sure I can talk you down…be careful, love.

4. I was right about you this whole time. But I’m not going to hold your past against you. I am enjoying getting to know you.

5. You are a mess, but I think that’s what I like about you.

6. I’m not being fair to you. I’ve told you this. It doesn’t seem to matter to you. I adore this new thing we have…but please be patient with me.

7. Was I your savior, or just a phase?

8. I stood up for you. I did it much longer than I should have. I don’t care what you did. Honestly. Just don’t lie to me. Ok?

9. The last time I saw you was a milestone day in your life. You have no idea how honored I was to be there. I love you.

10. I’m looking forward to getting to know you too.

11. You are incredible. The spectrum you bring to the table amazes me. ;)

12. Stop apologizing.

13. While I need to forget you, I know I never will. I’ve got your back.

14. Don’t do anything stupid. Despite the legend, Arthur needed Lancelot.

15. You are very mysterious. I love mysteries.

16. You did what you needed to do. I’m ok with that. Trust me. Please.

17. I’d like to know what you think of me. I’m curious to know what others have told you about me. I’m a pretty darn nice guy. And you know what? I’m worth it. So put aside what you’ve been told and give me a call. But not tonight, I have a headache.

18. You have stalked me for years. You’re not very good at this whole stalking thing… But this time you crossed a line. You tricked a friend of mine. What are you going to do with this new found gossip? Go ahead…nobody will believe you. You fool.

19. Yes. I talked about you behind your back. But no more than you talked about me. The one thing we should have done was talked with each other. Oddly, our friendship allowed each of us to overlook the knife wounds. Right now, the distance is the best part of our friendship. You and I had a lot of great times mixed in with a little drama…I loved every minute of it. Thanks.

20. You and I are so much alike it scares me. No, really. I am frightened at the thoughts. I believe that you have answers that I need. The next time I see you, I am expecting a breakthrough. You make me jealous. You seem so in control. How do you do it? I hope you’re ready for the tough questions.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

One of the things I look forward to every year is the day that I can break out my Holiday music and listen to it non-stop. I have rules about this: I DO NOT listen to holiday music until AFTER Thanksgiving and I stop listening to holiday music on Ephinany. In college I wouldn’t even take my very impressive collection of holiday music to school. It would wait in my room until my drive back to school after Thanksgiving. I would lay out the CDs in the passenger seat and sing along for the entire 9 hour trip back to Emory.

Things got more complicated with the coming of the iPod generation. I added all of my music. When I got to the holiday CDs it took great restraint to not add them. I didn’t. I still follow my rule. But now I don’t have two-dozen CDs to deal with….the best holiday music is all at my fingertip.

While I love the entire genre of Holiday music, I have a few songs that are my absolute favorite. This year I bought an album for one song, Christmas in Indiana. It is wonderful. It is performed by the a capella group “Straight No Chaser.” (for the record, a capella should always be two words, never hyphenated.) Straight No Chaser is an amazing group from Indiana University. I have been a fan of them for years, but this is their first Christmas album. I highly recommend it. The highlight of the album is their rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Enjoy the video below. My favorite singers are the Jew and the black guy. Haha. You’ll see.

Another amazing arrangement of that song is “A Musicological Journey Through the Twelve Days of Christmas.” However I have not been able to find a decent recording. There is one on iTunes but it is men’s chorus and piano. It needs an orchestra.

Do you have a favorite Christmas song?

Straight No Chaser

Wordless Wednesday