Sunday, December 21, 2008
Dear [father],
I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.
Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am 26 years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me?
You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The love of a father.
The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. Again, I never considered them an issue. But they are. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.
I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. The pain is new...and very real. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.
This is just the beginning,
Your [son]
6 comments:
I support you, my friend.
And a new path on your journey begins...only you're not alone on this one; we're all here.
Well said. Not having a father in your life can be a difficult road to walk.
You will find the right path.
We love you man!
I worry about my nephew having never ever had his father in his life, he walked away at the beginning.
My hope is that he will become as fine a young man as you and it will be because of what his father did, Now as you really address the painful issues I am sure you will become an even better man and when the time is right you will become the very best Dad I am sure. We are always here for you, we are so lucky to have you as a friend!
My friend... you can, may and will spend the rest of your living days seeking that love. If you seek it in the right way it will lead you to understand why God wished to be called Father. But the lack of that love will still rear its head in ways that cause you to seek satisfaction in ways that cause guilt and shame. You are loved and are not alone. I'm praying for your pain right now. I have been there too and still am. One last thought. My Father didn't walk out, but I still grew up without one.
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