I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.

I just got home after a long day at work followed by a rehearsal. After I prepared dinner and cleaned up the kitchen I finally sat down and turned on the television. One of my favorite movies was on. Mrs. Doubtfire. In my opinion it is Robin Williams’s most exceptional role. While Sally Fields does an excellent job portraying the victim, Robin plays the role to whom more viewers can relate. Early in the film Daniel’s childish ways catch up with him, and he becomes the divorced father with limited visitation rights.

I said this is one of my favorite movies, and it really is. But tonight I’m just not in the mood to watch it. It tends to pull at my heart. Sure, it is hysterical. It is very quotable. The montage of Daniel turning into Mrs. Doubtfire is classic. Director Chris Columbus was able to take the heartache of a divided family and make it easy to watch…for the most part. What makes it real, at least for me, are the reactions of the children. They are honest and genuine. They are angry, confused, and torn between two parents that they love.

I said I wasn’t in the mood to watch it right now…yet I can’t seem to turn it off. So I’ll end with a quote by Daniel…

“Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"?”

Letter of Reclamation

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Dear [father],

I don’t even know where to begin. How the hell do I even refer to you? I don’t know who you are. I have spent a grand total of 15-minutes in your company since the age of 5. Most of that was in awkward silence. My entire life I had to grow-up without a father. For years I told myself and anyone who would ask that the divorce wasn’t a problem. I told them everything was fine. It wasn’t an issue. I believed that! And maybe I was right. Perhaps it wasn’t the divorce as much as the issues surrounding it. But there is a problem. A big one.

Not knowing how to acknowledge the problem was the problem. I am 26 years old and I am just now coming to the realization that I BLAME YOU FOR EVERY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE! The main problems: a void in my life and the inability to identify myself within a characterization of masculinity. The void you left was a void that I didn’t know how to fill. I tried. My entire life I have been longing for a bond that can only be found through the love of a father. You didn’t walk out of my life only to have me magically forget about you. I have been constantly reminded that you left. Why would you turn your back on me?

You would think that this sudden understanding would lift a weight from my shoulders. No. I have never felt more pain. Just yesterday I was walking through a store. I saw a dad holding the hand of his young son as they traversed the crowded store. The pain in my chest brought me to a complete stop. That is what I have needed in my life. The love of a father.

The truths about you were reveled to me eventually. Again, I never considered them an issue. But they are. Passively I sought love in all the wrong places. I turned to lust and instant gratification only to walk away with a deeper heartache. I neglected relationships or avoided them altogether. I turned my back on morality and ran to what I thought I needed. You distorted my understanding of attraction. This, of course, did nothing but cause more pain. I am now taking a look back at my life, and relationships within my life, only to find that you have been the central problem the whole time. I don’t know who I am because of you.

I need to forgive you. I can’t move forward in the quest of reclaiming my heart until I forgive you. The pain is new...and very real. You will never know. I can do this without you. I have found strength despite you! I am becoming a warrior. I am fighting the fears that you gave me. I must win.

This is just the beginning,

Your [son]